day 1:

"what does beauty mean to you?"


beauty.

i remember learning about it in aesthetics. it was the spring of my freshman year of college at grand valley. i'm pretty sure i only attended 3 or 4 of the class sessions before i simply stopped going. my brain and my heart were too far within the pit of depression to be able to grasp anything beyond getting out of bed and making sure i ate 3 meals, so a demanding philosophy course no longer felt like a priority.

but i do remember talking about beauty. i remember listening to my classmates discuss how beauty isn't an absolute. and i agreed, to some extent. each person is drawn to something different. for example, i like the color yellow, and the feeling i get when i crawl under my covers with no socks on. that's a simple type of beauty. but someone else may not think those things are beautiful at all (like my grandma, who detests the color yellow). it all seems subjective.

now i'm no philosophy or theology major, so i won't try to argue or explain whether or not beauty truly is subjective. but in that class, and during that point in my life, i think i was forgetting (or perhaps even avoiding) the missing link that binds all things together, where the subjectivity of human beings doesn't give beauty an infinite amount of definitions.

i was ignoring God. you see, i chose to turn my back on Him that year. i literally said to myself, "it's time to take a step back. i need to learn what it's like to mess up." i spiraled deep into a depression that challenged my beliefs, my physical health, and even my sense of existence. i remember searching for beauty in my days and writing my findings down in my journal at night. i was entirely thirsty for the Creator, the Crafter of all created things from which i'd pull beauty. and i wouldn't admit it to myself. now, i will say that i am quick to explain that my years of depression stemmed from a chemical imbalance in my brain and that it began when i was a lot younger. but turning my back on the Lord was the catalyst that plunged me into darkness. i turned away from the ultimate source, the Giver of life, of beauty.

but ah, how beautiful (!) is it that God gives us the ability to have preferences, taste, and pleasure in the world around us? He allows US to determine which parts of His creations we find beautiful. in fact, He delights in our joy.

so, after i've just explained my entire history of understanding what beauty is (phew!)... what do i find beautiful? here's a list, but in no way could i say everything...


humble hearts.
quiet kindness.
what it feels like to try on a dress you never thought you'd be able to fit in, and you can. especially sequined ones.
being a living testimony.
my name said by a child. especially when they can't pronounce it correctly.
the plans God has woven that take my breath away.
haiti.
kids climbing on me.
my childhood.
unspoken parts of conversations.
crying.
the human mind.
"everyone knows the beat of a drum."
worship.
language.
being pulled from the pit and set upon a solid rock.
grace.
baptism.
the power of the Holy Spirit.
Jesus Christ, our Savior.